“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
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We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
respect
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero