Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them