Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

can’t bark with your mouth full

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

Cashiers are always checking me out

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…