“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
You Might Also Like
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
due date
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
i can’t work under these festive conditions
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?