Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.