Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

😂😂

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again