Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
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From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
*watches the world burn*
cry laughing at this shit
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.