Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

2024 has been a rough few years

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

Match dot com, but for socks.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”