How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
In Russia, the cold complains about you.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.