How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
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My patronus is a cheeseburger
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude