How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
life finds a way
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
☠️ ☠️
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Cinematography is my passion
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!