Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

inside you are two wolves

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

When I grow up, I want to be 16

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Jus’ sayin. 😐

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.