How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
ok this is my dumbest yet
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
What a year we’ve had this week.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.