How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
You Might Also Like
Should I call tech support or pray or what
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
also my go-to takeaway order
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting