How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.