How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I need to update my racial profile.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them