How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.