How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
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If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
getting seasonal up in here
