Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

If only.

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*