[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I need to update my racial profile.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?