How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
You Might Also Like
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.