Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …