How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.