Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what