How software testing works
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Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Leaving the Barbers like
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I created you as mosquito food.