How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
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The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin