How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
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[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.