“How stressed are you?”
Me:
You Might Also Like
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
When life hands you women, make women laid.