“How stressed are you?”
Me:
You Might Also Like
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Not today, today.
Not today.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies