“How stressed are you?”
Me:
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Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
got so much cardio in today
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.