“How stressed are you?”
Me:
You Might Also Like
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
This one’s “Alex”.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.