How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
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Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
is it earth
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.