Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

whatcha thinkin bout

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses