Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Yes, but it was never about money

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.