how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.