How tf did it end up there?
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Not recommended for beginners.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh