How tf did it end up there?
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Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…
I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas
Breaking news:
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence