How tf did it end up there?
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
WHY would you be happy about this?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?