how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
🤣🤣🤣
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.