Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.