how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
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“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Danger is very dangerous
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing