how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
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me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
As a doctor, I can confirm
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.