Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

Which wines pair best with gloating?

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.