Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

Labreador

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Somebody’s lying.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS