Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delightful if true: booby trap.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Everything reminds me of my ex

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

jesus, what did this guy do

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.