Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Strangers have the best candy.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

making sure he doesnt get away

“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell