Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

#JohnTravolta

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

Broom by every window for quick escape.

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags