How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
why isn’t he texting back
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.