Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.