Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

A short story of betrayal:

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.