How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
You Might Also Like
Help
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
ugh not again
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.