Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.