How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Stop sending me this shit.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.