How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
You Might Also Like
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Mornin
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie