Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

You deplete me

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby