Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

Feels like there should be a middle ground

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

IT’S-A ME,

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.