Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

I falcon love using swear birds

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

no refunds

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear