How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
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[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.