Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”