How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Awwwww shit.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.