Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL