Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

dutch is not a serious language

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

channeling her this year

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*