[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
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“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I love the National Park Service.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.