Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.