How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
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Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k