How times have changed.
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Snack for election night!
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do