How to annoy your children:

Me: Don’t come in here without knocking

Child: Ok

*leaves* *knocks*

M: Who is it?

C: It’s me!

M: Go away

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[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope


Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!


Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.


The church apparently thinks that gay and lesbian people laying with one another is unnatural.

As opposed to walking on water.


Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.


This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad


My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.