@dafloydsta

How to annoy your children:

Me: Don’t come in here without knocking

Child: Ok

*leaves* *knocks*

M: Who is it?

C: It’s me!

M: Go away

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@NewDadNotes

[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope

@BazarComedy

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

@Howiesbookclub

Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.

@Schgot89

The church apparently thinks that gay and lesbian people laying with one another is unnatural.

As opposed to walking on water.

@TrondyNewman

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

@JimMFelton

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

@KateWhineHall

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.