Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

Britain be like

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

Teach your children to beatbox

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why