How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Overindulged this afternoon.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Ovenable?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood