Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

Wait a minute…

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

LOOOOOOL

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.